Fatherless Child
I have been struggling with whether or not to address such a topic. Somehow, I pray to get through it. We can either harbor mixed feelings or we can address the issue: a fatherless child. As I type these words, I release many years of questions. Questions, that I do not believe most people consider when entering into parenthood. Questions that lead to children having a void that often times lead to self-destructive behavior.
I come from a family of women. My grandmother had no male children, which does not mean that I do not have any uncles. My grandfather, Hicks, had sons and daughters that do not belong to my grandmother. Imagine my surprise that the man, I never had the opportunity to meet, would have such a grave impact on how my mother and her sisters handled male relationships. Have you ever heard of the term: “Love them and leave them?” I do not believe this term is strictly to men. I am not going to air all my family’s dirty laundry. What I would like to tell you is that what is done in the dark truly shall come to the light.
This leads to my first question for people who have children? Did it ever occur to you that your one choice would not only impact your children, but your children’s children? As church folks would say, “You have assigned a generational curse”. I am not going to sit here and write to you out of ill will or condemnation. However, I will let you know we have a harsh reality to face when it comes to having children, within and outside the confines of marriage. My parents for whatever reason chose not to wed. It’s not discussed why or why not, it just is what it is. My father will never get the chance to answer, because he is deceased. We as children do not bring it up to our mother, because we have settled on the fact that our parents should have never come together in the first place.
Leading me to my second question for anticipating parents. Why did you choose the person that you choose in the first place? Did you ever really see yourself co-parenting with them? We know that the bible teaches us to honor our father and our mother. How do you honor someone who has never been a part of your life? It is stated that 1 of 3 children will be born out of wedlock. Of which, 2 out of 3 will never have the opportunity to know their father. I am not going to draw color lines, but I view it as a social economical problem. It is where the “have nots” see no point in really stressing over what is perceived as a “better without me mentality.”
My final and most complex question is: “What about the children?” Mothers, did you consider what it would be like to not have a father figure in your child’s life? Were there no warning signs? Between the multiple break ups and make up session, did you ever think that one of the break ups would lead to that person no longer being a part of your life? Fathers, did you ever think that the woman who drove you so mad, the one you felt like punching down the door would cause so much emotional turmoil in your life? That you would just walk away never to know your child?
This is not about the finger pointing, I am proud to be a baby momma stuff that is glamorized throughout American culture. No. you do not get a badge of honor for being a baby momma like Fantasia sings in her song. Guess what, you created that child and gosh darn it you are to support that child. We must quit fooling ourselves to believe our choices do not impact others, especially children. You see thanks to the Grace of God, and me seeing what I saw in my life, I stand before you a fatherless child that was not easily broken. However, that does not negate the fact, that not having my father has impacted me in ways that I could never articulate in words.
I do not want people to be confused. You have a right choose who you want to be with. However, it is a disservice to your child, to not allow them the choice to know the other person in which help to create them. In my mom’s case, my father chose not to be around. I know you’re asking the question, “How do you know this?” I lived on the Southside of Chicago as a child; my father lived on the Westside. During that time, my father raised my cousin, who is 2 months younger than me. When I was around 10 or 11, I had the opportunity to stay with my cousins. During this time, my older cousin was so excited that we reunited. She just knew in her heart my father would be as well. Whoa, was she surprised. I remember just like yesterday, she calls him and says, “Uncle you want believe this, I have your children at my home.” She went on to ask him if he wanted to speak with me and my sister. He compiled, my sister whom everyone says looks exactly like him, was very controlled in her conversation with him. I on the other hand in my youthful spunk was not. He talked to both of us, all of 5 minutes. He said, “Hand the phone to my nephew.” At that time, I was so hurt; I couldn’t believe that the man who fathered me would rather speak with his nephew, than speak to a child he had not seen in over 10 years. I won’t go into what I said to him, however, it was not pretty. At that moment, a wall was created; a wall that I am constantly battling to this day.
I am thankful for my life. However, I know that many who are in this situation do not value their lives. Regardless of what type of person you choose to conceive a child with, remember the child will be impacted. Fathers fight for your right to be a part of your child/children’s life. Mothers, do not allow your bitterness or nonchalant attitude keep your child/children's from having a relationship with their father. If the two of you were able to lie down and make the child together, at least you can do is raise the child together. It’s time out for the baby momma and baby daddy drama. It’s time for family to respect one another, and value one of the most precious gifts God has bestowed upon man: CHILD.
What do you say? Can we all just get along?
Tactful Talk Tuesday with Taneka